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It's scary when the parents argue.
They don't usually do.
But it's still
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I continue to feel angsty and distressed and all sorts of wrong. And I understand that 100% of it is pretty much my fault, indirectly or directly.

Even though there are barely any readers of my blog (and I am sorry if you are scrolling through my posts saturated with self-pity) I won't elaborate too much on what I'm feeling. It's probably best if I confide in a being, not in an electronic echo that blends into the grungy walls of the internet.

I'm going to try to cheer myself up, not by my usual way (procrastination, which is basically just distracting myself from my problems) but by setting up a plan.

Damn, America has trained me to be so reliant on self-gratification that I can't even function when I hit the first sign of pain.

Obviously I'm spread too thin so things need to be cut.
  1. Twitter, limited to one tweet a day. Honestly, I have no use for this. My main purpose on it is to get updates from important groups but by having a Tweeria account I spam a lot about myself, which makes me more narcissistic and is not a good way to live. Even if Tweeria is the laziest way to role-play, tweet-spam only says that I'm egotistical. Replies probably won't count in the limit, since they're conversations, right? Maybe I should cut on those too.
  2. Tumblr. One of the best and worst things of my life. I constantly fret over the memes and inspiration that will float away out of my grasp if I don't check it regularly. And I freak out if my queue starts hitting around 10 posts and I scour my dashboard for things to add to my queue. Let's limit it to only 30 minutes a day. This will be the hardest goal to keep.
  3. Youtube. I've become obsessed with watching a certain user play horror or indie games and I just can't stop! It's gotten so bad that I even procrastinate watching anime, which is my primary procrastination method! Limit to 1 video per day.
  4. Anime. I'm so behind on almost everything. But I have to limit to 1 anime per day. (Manga is not a problem because it updates sporadically.)
And things I need to trudge through!
  1. Homework. Always procrastinated. NEVERMORE.
  2. SAT study. I hate this because I feel like I will barely improve, because everything mentioned in the practice book I know! The best way to study would probably be taking practice tests but I don't want to spend four hours on it! Perhaps I'll do one section per day.
  3. AP U.S. History. I despise reading the chapters in preparation for the test. History is my worst subject, after writing.
  4. Writing. I just need to write more. Essays, particularly. Regain some vocab by reading more novels, less manga. Even writing short fiction should help but /sighs/
  5. AP tests. Goodness gracious I can't even begin on how much stress there is over these.
  6. SLEEP. My eyelids have been stained permanently grey. I sleep in the last class of the day almost every time.
Some other plans!
  • Scholarship applications - fill out one per two days, I suppose. Those essays will probably boost my writing skills.
  • Job applications - I already signed up for a summer camp but there's no guarantee I'll get in. I need some moolah too, for spending.
  • College applications - I can feel my death impending.
Phew, this lifted some stress. I wish I could control myself better. Become more studious. Less NEET. The NEET life is only achievable if I'm rich. Which I'm not. And if I let myself be degraded. Which I shouldn't. Gotta pull myself together.

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I can't handle this anymore.

I am so alone.

I was told that what I worked for was useless.

I can't.
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Not only is school beating down on me but my parents are pushing me to study harder, almost to the point of continuous nagging from the moment I come home from school to the time I go to sleep, not to mention when I fix breakfast early in the morning before I catch the bus. It's driving me crazy.


SATs, AP tests, scholarship essays, job applications, summer camp applications, college applications, violin practice.

Are you nuts? Not only do I have to keep up my grades in AP level courses but I have to have all these things prepared for by this month? I don't understand why I have to be near perfect. With all these items on my plate, there's no room for a proper life. I can't doodle in my spare time, much less finish those episodes of anime/drama or play my video games.

Are you expecting me to be everything my brother was not? A science-pursuing A-plus student? Someone whose future job holds much money? Someone who won't nearly disappear from your life? Someone who's not dependent on you? I am none of those.

I am only a little above average and maybe more if I work my butt off. But already I am threadbare: five hours of sleep is now the norm, and I can barely squeeze in community service.

It's a terrible cycle, because the more stressed I feel, the more I am compelled to distract myself with media. Procrastination is toxic, but I can't let go of it. Because I know if I do, I'm letting go of the items I love the most, and won't get them back for another few months, years. My spirit is already weak. Let me cling onto what little of me remains.

What also stings a bit is that my friends can sympathize some, but they have their own unique situations and those barriers are impenetrable. My circle of friends has shrunk to only a few and I am despairing more and more each day.

Today one of those friends barely talked to me, as if she were mad at me. I didn't know how to respond, so we just sat together in silence, but I felt very alone. It hurt very much, I just wanted to bawl, but I looked away and pretended that I was busy reading an SAT book.

I'm just tired.
I need someone's open arms.

I need rest. At least one peaceful day.

Dear Lord, please help me find rest for my weary soul.
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I had resolved at the end of 2012 to not make any unnecessary resolutions. I was comfortable with my life. Why change a thing?

Well, my mother pushed me to change. Begrudgingly, I complied in outlining some goals but just looking at them makes me depressed because I know that to fulfill them, I have to give up a lot of things I love.

It's not completely a bad thing, hearsay, since I know with all my being that complacency will lead me nowhere. It's true, yes? When you're just satisfied with the everyday goodness of your life, you're not going to actively pursue that potential greatness that you could be.

For me, I read a lot of manga, anime, and light novels, regular novels, play video games and watch movies. I'm a media maniac and devour stories like a ravenous beast. Which is why it's so easy for me to say, "Come on, what a boring character! Why can't they just strive to be the very best?" or "If you stay like that, nothing good's going to happen and there won't be a good story at all." And little ramblings like that.

When in reality, I'm exactly like that boring character that won't do a thing. I'm all talk but little action. A repeat offender of procrastination. Which is bad. Because I'm also concerned with appearances, because at least I want to be a decent person, and a brilliant multimedia-ist, in which I have too many interests that take too much time, it's overwhelming. But that's a different matter for now.

Anyways, that's why I have some difficult goals this year which requires that the relaxed life I drifted through must go. I have to part from my procrastination (mainly tumblr, damn you) in order to complete the tasks which really matter. But that means letting go of a few stray dreams, like drawing and writing, at least for now.

School is now my priority. Grades matter. Also, there's so many AP tests to study for, I don't even want to get started. Not to mention projects and SAT and ACT and all that jazz. I'm already feeling slightly suicidal writing about it.

It's hard, because a lot of this I'm doing because of parental expectations. I just want to follow my dreams. And I know one day I will. It's just that ... sometimes you have to have a little discipline before you can fly.
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Finally my computer is fixed! One day I left it to sleep and it wouldn't wake again. Not even a force shut-down by holding the power button would work. So I just unplugged it, replugged it, and to my horror, found that the computer wouldn't turn on at all.

Turns out it was the power supply, which was replaced. It's much noisier than the original, but I'm not complaining. The only thing I'd love to complain about is my modem/internet th, which has suddenly decided that my computer no longer deserves a decent connection.

Ah, well, a three-day break from the computer is probably needed, since I've got to finish my homework. At least it gave me a chance to catch some two-hour naps and doodle a little bit.
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Hah~ I like how I just about never update on here anymore.
Actually I don't.

One of my friends was willing to adopt four of my guppies, since I had to make room for at least nine two-week old baby fry. I decided to give them to her on Sunday, when we would see each other at church. But they died before they could reach her hands.

I feel so bad, because it was my neglect that killed them. I failed to stop my father who naively used tap water (treated) to contain the fish instead of aquarium water. Apparently the new water was too much of a shock and all four of them died.

Guilt guilt guilt.

Even if it is just four small fish, I just feel awful that I killed something. Even if I blame it on my father, it's still my fault.


But I guess I have to ignore it, since there's nothing else to be done.

This week I'm helping out at my church's children's art camp. Man, it's exhausting, and some of the kids are vehemently vexing. But most of them are just fine.

Also on Wednesday, I'll be completing driver's ed with the final lesson: the infamous parallel parking. Honestly, I'm tired of driving school, especially since I've had to endure watching at least three other drivers complete the fourth lesson (country driving) on the same road.

I've also been watching Natsuyuki Rendezvous, a josei anime about a love triangle between a florist, a man, and the florist's dead husband, who is currently in ghost form. Unfortunately, only the man can see the ghost, causing some very interesting reactions. The concept is very entrancing, the characters and cast are excellent, and the music portions are emotion-inducing. Because it's in the josei genre, the feel is definitely very different and I can't feel any stereotypical vibes anywhere. The characters are very lifelike in personality and all likable. Just one thing though; I feel like the story is escalating so fast, despite the fact that it's actually calm and undramatic! Wait, it is kind of dramatic? I can't really tell anyways, because it feels like both. Ah, but it is a strange love triangle and I'm curious about it's ending. However, I'll probably finish the anime before I pick up the manga.

I love short hair this summer.
Oh, and if I'm not on the computer it's nearly almost always because I'm playing minesweeper (such a useless game) on my Kindle or watching gymnastics or swimming for the 2012 London Olympics. I'm so lazy.



3 May 2012 10:15 pm
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I'm so excited for tomorrow! It's my orchestra banquet and I'm going out to buy a vest (and maybe slacks and shoes).

Yeah baby! I refuse to wear a dress! I just like confusing people!


22 April 2012 08:53 pm
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Luckily my grades are all okay. Of course there's room for improvement but at least I met my own expectations.

Today I shot some traditional black and white photos for my class. Our project is a sequence, meaning we have to take a series of pictures and arrange them on a mat, telling a story.

I like the idea very much, though it wasn't mine, since this weekend my brainstorming capabilities have been hindered because of studying for upcoming tests tomorrow (and the rest of the week! Oh standardized tests are so dull!) so I asked my brother to help me since he was home this weekend. Not telling yet, but I'll post it here when I've finished printing them.

I really want to print them.

Miss Super-Good-At-Procrastinating
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 Hi y'all nonexistent peoples who just stop by to read my blog.

I wonder if I should switch over to since their layout is so nice... And it's mostly user-friendly, except for the annoying, constant, "switch over to premium" reminders. But otherwise it's more beautiful. And dreamwidth is nice, but it seems more geared towards communities, which I barely use. LOL.

For now, I'm sticking here, until I can find some legitimate reason to switch. I mean, geez! I already have a (dead) blogspot, a cross-posting livejournal, not to mention two tumblrs (one inspiration/derp and one art blog). Yeah, when I look back at my blog list it's kind of depressing to see how spontaneous I am. The WordPress is up, but nothing's probably going to appear on it for a while, so you can relax. When I do finally decide to post on it though, you nonexistent peoples will find out first.

So life...
It's been great though I'm worrying about my grades tomorrow. I really hope they're above 90, but y'know, I'm such an overachieving slacker, so I probably won't do as good as I hope.

Yeah, I've actually been trying hard at Calculus, but this new series test thing is too mind-boggling for me. Or rather I understand it, but there's too many tests I have no idea which one to use. And no calculator?! My reliance on that thing is just way to heavy, isn't it?

I need to get my mother's day present framed this weekend! Who knows when I'll have another chance? I also need to finish my commission (which I've been terribly procrastinating on, please kill me) before the start of May. As well as that yearly Senior Skit at my church - that needs to be planned ASAP.

Yet I find myself drooling over animes and mangas without a second thought. And today I spent a lot of my time just tweaking my tumblr themes. But that's ok, right? I usually don't change them for months...

I'm so busy~ Probably need to go to sleep before my retinas melt into puddles of wax. I've been staring at the computer screen for 60% of my time this past week.


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