I am throuoghly depressed
12 February 2013 08:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altairtherookNot only is school beating down on me but my parents are pushing me to study harder, almost to the point of continuous nagging from the moment I come home from school to the time I go to sleep, not to mention when I fix breakfast early in the morning before I catch the bus. It's driving me crazy.
INSANE.
SATs, AP tests, scholarship essays, job applications, summer camp applications, college applications, violin practice.
Are you nuts? Not only do I have to keep up my grades in AP level courses but I have to have all these things prepared for by this month? I don't understand why I have to be near perfect. With all these items on my plate, there's no room for a proper life. I can't doodle in my spare time, much less finish those episodes of anime/drama or play my video games.
Are you expecting me to be everything my brother was not? A science-pursuing A-plus student? Someone whose future job holds much money? Someone who won't nearly disappear from your life? Someone who's not dependent on you? I am none of those.
I am only a little above average and maybe more if I work my butt off. But already I am threadbare: five hours of sleep is now the norm, and I can barely squeeze in community service.
It's a terrible cycle, because the more stressed I feel, the more I am compelled to distract myself with media. Procrastination is toxic, but I can't let go of it. Because I know if I do, I'm letting go of the items I love the most, and won't get them back for another few months, years. My spirit is already weak. Let me cling onto what little of me remains.
What also stings a bit is that my friends can sympathize some, but they have their own unique situations and those barriers are impenetrable. My circle of friends has shrunk to only a few and I am despairing more and more each day.
Today one of those friends barely talked to me, as if she were mad at me. I didn't know how to respond, so we just sat together in silence, but I felt very alone. It hurt very much, I just wanted to bawl, but I looked away and pretended that I was busy reading an SAT book.
I'm just tired.
I need someone's open arms.
I need rest. At least one peaceful day.
Dear Lord, please help me find rest for my weary soul.
INSANE.
SATs, AP tests, scholarship essays, job applications, summer camp applications, college applications, violin practice.
Are you nuts? Not only do I have to keep up my grades in AP level courses but I have to have all these things prepared for by this month? I don't understand why I have to be near perfect. With all these items on my plate, there's no room for a proper life. I can't doodle in my spare time, much less finish those episodes of anime/drama or play my video games.
Are you expecting me to be everything my brother was not? A science-pursuing A-plus student? Someone whose future job holds much money? Someone who won't nearly disappear from your life? Someone who's not dependent on you? I am none of those.
I am only a little above average and maybe more if I work my butt off. But already I am threadbare: five hours of sleep is now the norm, and I can barely squeeze in community service.
It's a terrible cycle, because the more stressed I feel, the more I am compelled to distract myself with media. Procrastination is toxic, but I can't let go of it. Because I know if I do, I'm letting go of the items I love the most, and won't get them back for another few months, years. My spirit is already weak. Let me cling onto what little of me remains.
What also stings a bit is that my friends can sympathize some, but they have their own unique situations and those barriers are impenetrable. My circle of friends has shrunk to only a few and I am despairing more and more each day.
Today one of those friends barely talked to me, as if she were mad at me. I didn't know how to respond, so we just sat together in silence, but I felt very alone. It hurt very much, I just wanted to bawl, but I looked away and pretended that I was busy reading an SAT book.
I'm just tired.
I need someone's open arms.
I need rest. At least one peaceful day.
Dear Lord, please help me find rest for my weary soul.
