在森林里

I continue to feel angsty and distressed and all sorts of wrong. And I understand that 100% of it is pretty much my fault, indirectly or directly.

Even though there are barely any readers of my blog (and I am sorry if you are scrolling through my posts saturated with self-pity) I won't elaborate too much on what I'm feeling. It's probably best if I confide in a being, not in an electronic echo that blends into the grungy walls of the internet.

I'm going to try to cheer myself up, not by my usual way (procrastination, which is basically just distracting myself from my problems) but by setting up a plan.

Damn, America has trained me to be so reliant on self-gratification that I can't even function when I hit the first sign of pain.

Obviously I'm spread too thin so things need to be cut.

1. Twitter, limited to one tweet a day. Honestly, I have no use for this. My main purpose on it is to get updates from important groups but by having a Tweeria account I spam a lot about myself, which makes me more narcissistic and is not a good way to live. Even if Tweeria is the laziest way to role-play, tweet-spam only says that I'm egotistical. Replies probably won't count in the limit, since they're conversations, right? Maybe I should cut on those too.
2. Tumblr. One of the best and worst things of my life. I constantly fret over the memes and inspiration that will float away out of my grasp if I don't check it regularly. And I freak out if my queue starts hitting around 10 posts and I scour my dashboard for things to add to my queue. Let's limit it to only 30 minutes a day. This will be the hardest goal to keep.
3. Youtube. I've become obsessed with watching a certain user play horror or indie games and I just can't stop! It's gotten so bad that I even procrastinate watching anime, which is my primary procrastination method! Limit to 1 video per day.
4. Anime. I'm so behind on almost everything. But I have to limit to 1 anime per day. (Manga is not a problem because it updates sporadically.)

And things I need to trudge through!

1. Homework. Always procrastinated. NEVERMORE.
2. SAT study. I hate this because I feel like I will barely improve, because everything mentioned in the practice book I know! The best way to study would probably be taking practice tests but I don't want to spend four hours on it! Perhaps I'll do one section per day.
3. AP U.S. History. I despise reading the chapters in preparation for the test. History is my worst subject, after writing.
4. Writing. I just need to write more. Essays, particularly. Regain some vocab by reading more novels, less manga. Even writing short fiction should help but /sighs/
5. AP tests. Goodness gracious I can't even begin on how much stress there is over these.
6. SLEEP. My eyelids have been stained permanently grey. I sleep in the last class of the day almost every time.

Some other plans!

• Scholarship applications - fill out one per two days, I suppose. Those essays will probably boost my writing skills.
• Job applications - I already signed up for a summer camp but there's no guarantee I'll get in. I need some moolah too, for spending.
• College applications - I can feel my death impending.

Phew, this lifted some stress. I wish I could control myself better. Become more studious. Less NEET. The NEET life is only achievable if I'm rich. Which I'm not. And if I let myself be degraded. Which I shouldn't. Gotta pull myself together.

I had resolved at the end of 2012 to not make any unnecessary resolutions. I was comfortable with my life. Why change a thing?

Well, my mother pushed me to change. Begrudgingly, I complied in outlining some goals but just looking at them makes me depressed because I know that to fulfill them, I have to give up a lot of things I love.

It's not completely a bad thing, hearsay, since I know with all my being that complacency will lead me nowhere. It's true, yes? When you're just satisfied with the everyday goodness of your life, you're not going to actively pursue that potential greatness that you could be.

For me, I read a lot of manga, anime, and light novels, regular novels, play video games and watch movies. I'm a media maniac and devour stories like a ravenous beast. Which is why it's so easy for me to say, "Come on, what a boring character! Why can't they just strive to be the very best?" or "If you stay like that, nothing good's going to happen and there won't be a good story at all." And little ramblings like that.

When in reality, I'm exactly like that boring character that won't do a thing. I'm all talk but little action. A repeat offender of procrastination. Which is bad. Because I'm also concerned with appearances, because at least I want to be a decent person, and a brilliant multimedia-ist, in which I have too many interests that take too much time, it's overwhelming. But that's a different matter for now.

Anyways, that's why I have some difficult goals this year which requires that the relaxed life I drifted through must go. I have to part from my procrastination (mainly tumblr, damn you) in order to complete the tasks which really matter. But that means letting go of a few stray dreams, like drawing and writing, at least for now.

School is now my priority. Grades matter. Also, there's so many AP tests to study for, I don't even want to get started. Not to mention projects and SAT and ACT and all that jazz. I'm already feeling slightly suicidal writing about it.

It's hard, because a lot of this I'm doing because of parental expectations. I just want to follow my dreams. And I know one day I will. It's just that ... sometimes you have to have a little discipline before you can fly.

 Today, I experienced one of the most stressful days of my life. Call this a rant if you will.

Ok, let me explain the situation. Every year at our church, all the non-senior youths from middle-school to 11th grade create a tribute video to the seniors, and we call this Senior Skit. We usually have a theme, and have people play as the seniors, poking fun at their little faults.

But because no one was stepping up to work on Senior Skit this year, my friend and I did. Unfortunately, because of our inexperience, we wrote the script to be too complicated.

Many people were supposed to be at church last Saturday to film, but a lot said they couldn't attend. In the end, we only got the minor parts filmed.

So today, everyone was here but the problem was, some people playing important roles either had to leave early or they were late. So we only got some major scenes filmed, but we still have some left, and choreography is somewhat of an issue. But because of scheduling conflicts, we only have tomorrow afternoon after church and the next Sunday to film. That's not a big deal, but I'm worried the seniors will be able to find out what we're filming, and that would be exceptionally annoying.

Though we got a lot of things complete, it was extremely stressing. My friend, co-director had to leave early for piano lessons. I mean, I can't really blame her for that, but she was missing the whole morning and I had to run things on my own. The cameraman was helpful, but it's stressing because I'm pretty much the only one there that knows the script. Yes, I should have released the script early, but it was my mistake.

When I sent out messages to the actors, some of them didn't respond, or they responded last-minute. And some had no idea that they were even in the filming that day! What's the point of facebook if I can't get a hold of you!?

People kept fooling around, not taking the filming seriously, and some weren't the greatest actors in the world. And so we took longer than I really wanted to. I was pretty much killing myself, trying to manage people to prepare for the next scenes, and then trying to make sure that the current scene being shot was acceptable. (As I am typing this now, the thoughts of the chaos just make me tense up.)

I'm just worried we won't be able to leave enough leeway for the editors to compile the video. Even though it's summer break (after this week), they'll only have one week to compile each of their halves, and one of the editors is known to goof off. I do not have time for any silliness. This has to be done. My friend had made a bet (unbeknownst to me) with the person in charge of last year's script, who happens to be a senior, that our Senior Skit would trump theirs. Now, I'm really doubting that we'll even be able to make it sufficient.

Oh, so many factors leading to so many troubles! I feel overwhelmed! I just hope all can go well.

 The art festival was nice, but it seems to get boring each year. Maybe it's because all the artists are the same ones from last year. Well, most of them anyways.

It seems as if all the work seems to pile on to specific time periods. Just this weekend, I got a project to scanlate, then someone else asked me to scanlated a second project. Luckily, they finished most of it. And I have this English essay to prepare for—if I fail this one, I'm seriously dead. And not to mention commissions... but luckily I don't have a lot of slots filled. But that's kind of a bad thing...

As for contests and etc, I suppose they can wait.

Yeah, and for Good Friday I have to go to church early because I'm working as the projectionist.

And the violin festival thing: it was ok, messed up badly a few times... But I dunno when I'll get my scores.

Frantic! At least I have music to calm me... Mizufuusen (by Maiko Fujita) is really calming me right now as I type an outline for that essay...

 Ah, my mother really loves watching what I do.

She stares over my shoulder at the screen, and I get antsy, because I really am not focusing on work and am usually researching animes, art, and things of sort. Right now, she's sitting on the couch behind me, reading a book and glancing at the screen every once in a while. Quite unnerving. Luckily for me though, the words are too tiny for her to see, unless she decides to come up to the screen. But she's probably too lazy.

Fortunately, Google Chrome has a Panic button. Unfortunately, I forget I even have it and the keyboard shortcut is pretty awkward, but I really can't find a better shortcut.

Anyways, went to Half-Price Books and bought Hound of the Baskervilles, Neverwhere, and The Sandman: The Dream Hunters. Spent less than $20. Pretty happy.

Oh yeah, and I finished watching Hakuouki Shinsengumi Kitan. The ending seemed so abrupt, but it was kind of sweet. ;u; I love tragic stories, really. I think what I really want is a story so tragic it'll twist my heart and make me cry. Ah, and Chizuru and Hijikata were so nice together. Hopefully I can watch the OVA soon.

Ahh, just now my mother asked what I was doing.

"Errr... typing?" I said.
"Typing what?"
"Typing..."
"So really, what are you typing?"
"Typing... a blog."
"How do I get to your blog?"

Argh, major problem here. Why can't I have some privacy? It's not like people actually read it, or that I post absolutely terrible things. Just a rant here and there and a dull perspective on my life. So instead of linking her to this blog, I'll just link it to the other one, since it doesn't have all these personal emotions and thoughts. Grahh, I'm going to die of lack of privacy...