altairtherook: (Default)
I continue to feel angsty and distressed and all sorts of wrong. And I understand that 100% of it is pretty much my fault, indirectly or directly.

Even though there are barely any readers of my blog (and I am sorry if you are scrolling through my posts saturated with self-pity) I won't elaborate too much on what I'm feeling. It's probably best if I confide in a being, not in an electronic echo that blends into the grungy walls of the internet.

I'm going to try to cheer myself up, not by my usual way (procrastination, which is basically just distracting myself from my problems) but by setting up a plan.

Damn, America has trained me to be so reliant on self-gratification that I can't even function when I hit the first sign of pain.

Obviously I'm spread too thin so things need to be cut.
  1. Twitter, limited to one tweet a day. Honestly, I have no use for this. My main purpose on it is to get updates from important groups but by having a Tweeria account I spam a lot about myself, which makes me more narcissistic and is not a good way to live. Even if Tweeria is the laziest way to role-play, tweet-spam only says that I'm egotistical. Replies probably won't count in the limit, since they're conversations, right? Maybe I should cut on those too.
  2. Tumblr. One of the best and worst things of my life. I constantly fret over the memes and inspiration that will float away out of my grasp if I don't check it regularly. And I freak out if my queue starts hitting around 10 posts and I scour my dashboard for things to add to my queue. Let's limit it to only 30 minutes a day. This will be the hardest goal to keep.
  3. Youtube. I've become obsessed with watching a certain user play horror or indie games and I just can't stop! It's gotten so bad that I even procrastinate watching anime, which is my primary procrastination method! Limit to 1 video per day.
  4. Anime. I'm so behind on almost everything. But I have to limit to 1 anime per day. (Manga is not a problem because it updates sporadically.)
And things I need to trudge through!
  1. Homework. Always procrastinated. NEVERMORE.
  2. SAT study. I hate this because I feel like I will barely improve, because everything mentioned in the practice book I know! The best way to study would probably be taking practice tests but I don't want to spend four hours on it! Perhaps I'll do one section per day.
  3. AP U.S. History. I despise reading the chapters in preparation for the test. History is my worst subject, after writing.
  4. Writing. I just need to write more. Essays, particularly. Regain some vocab by reading more novels, less manga. Even writing short fiction should help but /sighs/
  5. AP tests. Goodness gracious I can't even begin on how much stress there is over these.
  6. SLEEP. My eyelids have been stained permanently grey. I sleep in the last class of the day almost every time.
Some other plans!
  • Scholarship applications - fill out one per two days, I suppose. Those essays will probably boost my writing skills.
  • Job applications - I already signed up for a summer camp but there's no guarantee I'll get in. I need some moolah too, for spending.
  • College applications - I can feel my death impending.
Phew, this lifted some stress. I wish I could control myself better. Become more studious. Less NEET. The NEET life is only achievable if I'm rich. Which I'm not. And if I let myself be degraded. Which I shouldn't. Gotta pull myself together.

altairtherook: (Default)
Not only is school beating down on me but my parents are pushing me to study harder, almost to the point of continuous nagging from the moment I come home from school to the time I go to sleep, not to mention when I fix breakfast early in the morning before I catch the bus. It's driving me crazy.


SATs, AP tests, scholarship essays, job applications, summer camp applications, college applications, violin practice.

Are you nuts? Not only do I have to keep up my grades in AP level courses but I have to have all these things prepared for by this month? I don't understand why I have to be near perfect. With all these items on my plate, there's no room for a proper life. I can't doodle in my spare time, much less finish those episodes of anime/drama or play my video games.

Are you expecting me to be everything my brother was not? A science-pursuing A-plus student? Someone whose future job holds much money? Someone who won't nearly disappear from your life? Someone who's not dependent on you? I am none of those.

I am only a little above average and maybe more if I work my butt off. But already I am threadbare: five hours of sleep is now the norm, and I can barely squeeze in community service.

It's a terrible cycle, because the more stressed I feel, the more I am compelled to distract myself with media. Procrastination is toxic, but I can't let go of it. Because I know if I do, I'm letting go of the items I love the most, and won't get them back for another few months, years. My spirit is already weak. Let me cling onto what little of me remains.

What also stings a bit is that my friends can sympathize some, but they have their own unique situations and those barriers are impenetrable. My circle of friends has shrunk to only a few and I am despairing more and more each day.

Today one of those friends barely talked to me, as if she were mad at me. I didn't know how to respond, so we just sat together in silence, but I felt very alone. It hurt very much, I just wanted to bawl, but I looked away and pretended that I was busy reading an SAT book.

I'm just tired.
I need someone's open arms.

I need rest. At least one peaceful day.

Dear Lord, please help me find rest for my weary soul.
altairtherook: (Default)
I had resolved at the end of 2012 to not make any unnecessary resolutions. I was comfortable with my life. Why change a thing?

Well, my mother pushed me to change. Begrudgingly, I complied in outlining some goals but just looking at them makes me depressed because I know that to fulfill them, I have to give up a lot of things I love.

It's not completely a bad thing, hearsay, since I know with all my being that complacency will lead me nowhere. It's true, yes? When you're just satisfied with the everyday goodness of your life, you're not going to actively pursue that potential greatness that you could be.

For me, I read a lot of manga, anime, and light novels, regular novels, play video games and watch movies. I'm a media maniac and devour stories like a ravenous beast. Which is why it's so easy for me to say, "Come on, what a boring character! Why can't they just strive to be the very best?" or "If you stay like that, nothing good's going to happen and there won't be a good story at all." And little ramblings like that.

When in reality, I'm exactly like that boring character that won't do a thing. I'm all talk but little action. A repeat offender of procrastination. Which is bad. Because I'm also concerned with appearances, because at least I want to be a decent person, and a brilliant multimedia-ist, in which I have too many interests that take too much time, it's overwhelming. But that's a different matter for now.

Anyways, that's why I have some difficult goals this year which requires that the relaxed life I drifted through must go. I have to part from my procrastination (mainly tumblr, damn you) in order to complete the tasks which really matter. But that means letting go of a few stray dreams, like drawing and writing, at least for now.

School is now my priority. Grades matter. Also, there's so many AP tests to study for, I don't even want to get started. Not to mention projects and SAT and ACT and all that jazz. I'm already feeling slightly suicidal writing about it.

It's hard, because a lot of this I'm doing because of parental expectations. I just want to follow my dreams. And I know one day I will. It's just that ... sometimes you have to have a little discipline before you can fly.
altairtherook: (Default)
GCT 7 - The final log of the Grand Canyon trip, ultimately boring.
Nothing much happening today. Just going home all day.
I am fuming at my brother, and at my sister.
They keep calling me fat, stupid, weeaboo, generic, whatever they call me. Middle child gets all the good stuff, eh?
I really wish I could bite their heads off. Wish I could curse and all.
But I refrain. Try to at least.
Maybe I'll go cry in a pitiful corner later.
Because I have too much pride.
But I need to keep my composure.
Think emotionless. Poker face. Poker face. Poker face.
Saito's face.
That works.
Bottle it up.
Use it later. 
I think I'm going to punch through their computer.
But I'm still alive.
There's reason for me to live.
I'm alive.
And I will fight.
altairtherook: (Default)
 Today, I experienced one of the most stressful days of my life. Call this a rant if you will.

Ok, let me explain the situation. Every year at our church, all the non-senior youths from middle-school to 11th grade create a tribute video to the seniors, and we call this Senior Skit. We usually have a theme, and have people play as the seniors, poking fun at their little faults.

But because no one was stepping up to work on Senior Skit this year, my friend and I did. Unfortunately, because of our inexperience, we wrote the script to be too complicated.

Many people were supposed to be at church last Saturday to film, but a lot said they couldn't attend. In the end, we only got the minor parts filmed.

So today, everyone was here but the problem was, some people playing important roles either had to leave early or they were late. So we only got some major scenes filmed, but we still have some left, and choreography is somewhat of an issue. But because of scheduling conflicts, we only have tomorrow afternoon after church and the next Sunday to film. That's not a big deal, but I'm worried the seniors will be able to find out what we're filming, and that would be exceptionally annoying.

Though we got a lot of things complete, it was extremely stressing. My friend, co-director had to leave early for piano lessons. I mean, I can't really blame her for that, but she was missing the whole morning and I had to run things on my own. The cameraman was helpful, but it's stressing because I'm pretty much the only one there that knows the script. Yes, I should have released the script early, but it was my mistake.

When I sent out messages to the actors, some of them didn't respond, or they responded last-minute. And some had no idea that they were even in the filming that day! What's the point of facebook if I can't get a hold of you!?

People kept fooling around, not taking the filming seriously, and some weren't the greatest actors in the world. And so we took longer than I really wanted to. I was pretty much killing myself, trying to manage people to prepare for the next scenes, and then trying to make sure that the current scene being shot was acceptable. (As I am typing this now, the thoughts of the chaos just make me tense up.)

I'm just worried we won't be able to leave enough leeway for the editors to compile the video. Even though it's summer break (after this week), they'll only have one week to compile each of their halves, and one of the editors is known to goof off. I do not have time for any silliness. This has to be done. My friend had made a bet (unbeknownst to me) with the person in charge of last year's script, who happens to be a senior, that our Senior Skit would trump theirs. Now, I'm really doubting that we'll even be able to make it sufficient.

Oh, so many factors leading to so many troubles! I feel overwhelmed! I just hope all can go well.


1 May 2011 04:57 pm
altairtherook: (Default)
I dunno why I can't get off the computer. It's an addiction I need to take care of.

I'm promising myself once I finish typing this entry, I'll get off, FOR SURE. Hopefully I can stick with that, that is.

Yes, seriously my lifestyle will end up killing me. Basically I wake up, go to school, eat a lot of oily foods, come home, do homework, sit at the computer till dinner, then sit at the computer till bedtime. How unhealthy.

Now the foodstuff I eat is oily, seriously. No offense to Mom. But because I do have my mother's genes, my appearance is skinny. And the only part of me that is fat would most likely be my stomach. And I read somewhere in a Costco Connection magazine that belly fat is the most dangerous fat of all (more prone to heart attack, stroke, etc.)

So I must eat healthier and exercise. So painful.

Augh, I'm such a lazy bum...

On the other hand, I finally finished my 3rd commission.
altairtherook: (Default)
 The art festival was nice, but it seems to get boring each year. Maybe it's because all the artists are the same ones from last year. Well, most of them anyways.

It seems as if all the work seems to pile on to specific time periods. Just this weekend, I got a project to scanlate, then someone else asked me to scanlated a second project. Luckily, they finished most of it. And I have this English essay to prepare for—if I fail this one, I'm seriously dead. And not to mention commissions... but luckily I don't have a lot of slots filled. But that's kind of a bad thing...

As for contests and etc, I suppose they can wait.

Yeah, and for Good Friday I have to go to church early because I'm working as the projectionist.

And the violin festival thing: it was ok, messed up badly a few times... But I dunno when I'll get my scores.

Frantic! At least I have music to calm me... Mizufuusen (by Maiko Fujita) is really calming me right now as I type an outline for that essay...
altairtherook: (Scuro)
 Ah, yesterday I was having an argument with my mother.

Apparently I spend too much time on my art. Recently, I've just opened commissions and I've set my prices really low. My first commission is only $7. Counting the hours I'd spend on it, it's less than minimum wage. My mother was pretty furious.

First she said that I never practiced my violin or piano often because I liked my art better. Which is true.

I had already told her that I would quit piano lessons next year (though I'll just play it occasionally for fun). And because she was ranting about my violin and how much I didn't practice, I just got fed up and told her that if she thought so strongly about my music, then I would just quit orchestra and there wouldn't be a need to even argue about it!

Which led to another round of arguments (but it rather felt like a lecture) about how I was always too independent and never following my mother's instructions. Which, I have to say, is pretty true, because I have 2 blogs, I scanlate, I started my commissions, and bought things online. But still, I do know what I'm doing. Or at least, I hope I do.

Things have settled for now. All that's revealed that I was a stupid, stupid person who likes to do things her own way. And that's the way I'll stay.

Though I'm not planning to ditch my orchestra next year. It's really a lot of fun, though I'm not a big fan of practicing. Yeah, I think I love my visual arts better than the fine arts.

Oh yeah, and also yesterday morning at 5 A.M., it began to thunder and rain and hail. Quite exciting, but I was half asleep and the power went out. So I was late to school, since getting ready in the morning without a running microwave is quite difficult.
altairtherook: (Blind Love)
 Ah, my mother really loves watching what I do.

She stares over my shoulder at the screen, and I get antsy, because I really am not focusing on work and am usually researching animes, art, and things of sort. Right now, she's sitting on the couch behind me, reading a book and glancing at the screen every once in a while. Quite unnerving. Luckily for me though, the words are too tiny for her to see, unless she decides to come up to the screen. But she's probably too lazy.

Fortunately, Google Chrome has a Panic button. Unfortunately, I forget I even have it and the keyboard shortcut is pretty awkward, but I really can't find a better shortcut.

Anyways, went to Half-Price Books and bought Hound of the Baskervilles, Neverwhere, and The Sandman: The Dream Hunters. Spent less than $20. Pretty happy.

Oh yeah, and I finished watching Hakuouki Shinsengumi Kitan. The ending seemed so abrupt, but it was kind of sweet. ;u; I love tragic stories, really. I think what I really want is a story so tragic it'll twist my heart and make me cry. Ah, and Chizuru and Hijikata were so nice together. Hopefully I can watch the OVA soon.

Ahh, just now my mother asked what I was doing.

"Errr... typing?" I said.
"Typing what?"
"So really, what are you typing?"
"Typing... a blog."
"How do I get to your blog?"

Argh, major problem here. Why can't I have some privacy? It's not like people actually read it, or that I post absolutely terrible things. Just a rant here and there and a dull perspective on my life. So instead of linking her to this blog, I'll just link it to the other one, since it doesn't have all these personal emotions and thoughts. Grahh, I'm going to die of lack of privacy...


19 February 2011 05:59 pm
altairtherook: (Default)
 Today is my birthday.

I'm getting a constant flow of wishes to my facebook wall, and it's getting more annoying by each post because most of it is just, "happy birthday XD." Not that I hate it, but really, it just spams up my wall and I'd like them to only post when they want to say something really meaningful.

So I woke at 10, did practically nothing. By 12, I was tired already.

And I attempted to do my English homework. It's so difficult, because we have to write a report about a current issue and support both sides with evidence. And how the hell am I supposed to create a mosaic about Chinese mothers and trending graphic novels?

Really, I've been on the computer forever. And not really enjoying myself that much.

But I'm excited about my birthday gift. I really wonder what it could be!

Except my birthday presents haven't ever been that great. I remember two years ago I got a journal (which wasn't too bad) and a pair of boots. They were pretty ugly boots. I really appreciated the thought, but it was just disappointing. I can't even remember what I got last year.

Ah, four of my friends have already given me really nice gifts. One drew a picture of me in my coat, scarf, bunny hat with a binja from China Mieville's Un Lun Dun. Another friend drew my namesake character, Altair. And lastly (but not least) my Taiwanese friend gave me a phone charm and a bracelet. I'm so thankful that they would even think of me. And another fellow artist drew one of my OCs (who happens to have bunny ears).

I think we're going to eat sushi tonight. Alright! Fatty tuna!


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