altairtherook: (Scuro)
Today I got my polio vaccination, and my arm is quite okay, except for that soreness whenever I move. It's not very painful. In fact, I probably enjoy the pain.

I'm not saying I'm a hardcore masochist; not at all. I would very much not like to be harmed if at all possible.
However, the little reminder of the sense of touch is something that I love. And pain is a way to prove that you are still alive, and not just randomly pinching your numb epidermis in your dreams.


It's that little discomfort that keeps me awake.




Honestly, as much as I'd prefer to be more on the sadist side, I definitely belong to the masochist side. Too much sympathy, perhaps. I cannot enjoy hurting others really, unless if the person happens to be one of my siblings. If it's them, I know they will forgive me quickly. I'm probably the most 'bullied' out of the bunch of us! Even my little sister berates me.

I seem to subconsciously enjoy myself as I put on too much pressure upon myself, such as that time in November. Remember NaNoWriMo? That was absolutely suicidal. Pile 1,667 words on per day plus homework and orchestra and artistic duties, not to mention my church activities and parents' expectations, I was living in a world of chaos and unrelenting stress! Why did I even accept the challenge in the first place?! However, I'm glad I survived and did manage to write a terrible half-done novel, which by the way, the plot isn't even halfway through yet. And I still haven't touched it since December 1st.

And now I'm also in that same situation: tests tomorrow, commissions to do, things to practice for.

MASOCHIST.

However, I do not enjoy emotional pain at all. It's more than I can handle. Sure I can fake a smile or stoic stare, but it's terrible!

*I'm not a masochist! I just lean towards that side more than most people.
altairtherook: (Default)
 My parents think that eating a certain body part will in turn help your body, in that same exact part. You are what you eat.

 
Need better eyesight? Eat some fish eyes.
Need better skin? Eat some chicken skin.
Need stronger muscles? Eat the breast of a wild turkey.
Need better brains? Eat the—

And you get the idea.
 
 
LOL, well I'll survive without eating that. Just think about what you could be if you ate frogs legs! Spider's silk! Swan's wings!
In your dreams man. In your nightmares.

resolve

30 April 2011 12:40 pm
altairtherook: (Default)
INFP.

Myer-Briggs type indicator. Stands for Introverted iNtuition Feeling Perceptive.
As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.
— from http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html
What I really want to focus on is the "I" part of the INFP. Introverted. What I see it as is strange. How can I be so introverted, so shy? Yet I took a personality disorder test* not too long ago and one of my high-risk 'disorders' was being histrionic. Meaning I crave attention.

It's not hard to imagine that, because I experience it myself. But I think it's so ironic that I cannot step out for what I want. Sure, I can do that in front of friends. But even with just acquaintances, classmates, even virtual settings, I cannot. Why not? Why am I so obsessed about what people think of me? Why can't I just throw all those cares away and live out honestly as who I want to be?

I don't know why. I just can't. I don't have the resolve, I don't have the willpower, I don't, I don't.

Where can I get it? How can I train myself to become just the a bit more extroverted? I want to make an impact, and a beneficial one at that. Have I done that? I know I have, but how can it affect the millions of people that have or will make contact with me, whether in real life or just a quick brush on the internet?

I remember learning this statistic: Even the most introverted person will influence 10,000 people in their lives. The absolute most introverted person. Am I even that introverted? Probably not. I suppose this is little encouragement though.

I just want to break through that barrier, but I still need to find that strength, that power, that love and hope that can carry me through, and I can become a better person each day the dawn brings forth.



*The personality disorder test was not professional, only an estimate, but pretty accurate at that.

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