altairtherook: (Default)
Not only is school beating down on me but my parents are pushing me to study harder, almost to the point of continuous nagging from the moment I come home from school to the time I go to sleep, not to mention when I fix breakfast early in the morning before I catch the bus. It's driving me crazy.

INSANE.

SATs, AP tests, scholarship essays, job applications, summer camp applications, college applications, violin practice.

Are you nuts? Not only do I have to keep up my grades in AP level courses but I have to have all these things prepared for by this month? I don't understand why I have to be near perfect. With all these items on my plate, there's no room for a proper life. I can't doodle in my spare time, much less finish those episodes of anime/drama or play my video games.

Are you expecting me to be everything my brother was not? A science-pursuing A-plus student? Someone whose future job holds much money? Someone who won't nearly disappear from your life? Someone who's not dependent on you? I am none of those.

I am only a little above average and maybe more if I work my butt off. But already I am threadbare: five hours of sleep is now the norm, and I can barely squeeze in community service.

It's a terrible cycle, because the more stressed I feel, the more I am compelled to distract myself with media. Procrastination is toxic, but I can't let go of it. Because I know if I do, I'm letting go of the items I love the most, and won't get them back for another few months, years. My spirit is already weak. Let me cling onto what little of me remains.

What also stings a bit is that my friends can sympathize some, but they have their own unique situations and those barriers are impenetrable. My circle of friends has shrunk to only a few and I am despairing more and more each day.

Today one of those friends barely talked to me, as if she were mad at me. I didn't know how to respond, so we just sat together in silence, but I felt very alone. It hurt very much, I just wanted to bawl, but I looked away and pretended that I was busy reading an SAT book.

I'm just tired.
I need someone's open arms.

I need rest. At least one peaceful day.

Dear Lord, please help me find rest for my weary soul.
altairtherook: (Default)
I had resolved at the end of 2012 to not make any unnecessary resolutions. I was comfortable with my life. Why change a thing?

Well, my mother pushed me to change. Begrudgingly, I complied in outlining some goals but just looking at them makes me depressed because I know that to fulfill them, I have to give up a lot of things I love.

It's not completely a bad thing, hearsay, since I know with all my being that complacency will lead me nowhere. It's true, yes? When you're just satisfied with the everyday goodness of your life, you're not going to actively pursue that potential greatness that you could be.

For me, I read a lot of manga, anime, and light novels, regular novels, play video games and watch movies. I'm a media maniac and devour stories like a ravenous beast. Which is why it's so easy for me to say, "Come on, what a boring character! Why can't they just strive to be the very best?" or "If you stay like that, nothing good's going to happen and there won't be a good story at all." And little ramblings like that.

When in reality, I'm exactly like that boring character that won't do a thing. I'm all talk but little action. A repeat offender of procrastination. Which is bad. Because I'm also concerned with appearances, because at least I want to be a decent person, and a brilliant multimedia-ist, in which I have too many interests that take too much time, it's overwhelming. But that's a different matter for now.

Anyways, that's why I have some difficult goals this year which requires that the relaxed life I drifted through must go. I have to part from my procrastination (mainly tumblr, damn you) in order to complete the tasks which really matter. But that means letting go of a few stray dreams, like drawing and writing, at least for now.

School is now my priority. Grades matter. Also, there's so many AP tests to study for, I don't even want to get started. Not to mention projects and SAT and ACT and all that jazz. I'm already feeling slightly suicidal writing about it.

It's hard, because a lot of this I'm doing because of parental expectations. I just want to follow my dreams. And I know one day I will. It's just that ... sometimes you have to have a little discipline before you can fly.

woof

22 April 2012 08:53 pm
altairtherook: (Default)
Luckily my grades are all okay. Of course there's room for improvement but at least I met my own expectations.

Today I shot some traditional black and white photos for my class. Our project is a sequence, meaning we have to take a series of pictures and arrange them on a mat, telling a story.

I like the idea very much, though it wasn't mine, since this weekend my brainstorming capabilities have been hindered because of studying for upcoming tests tomorrow (and the rest of the week! Oh standardized tests are so dull!) so I asked my brother to help me since he was home this weekend. Not telling yet, but I'll post it here when I've finished printing them.

I really want to print them.

Sincerely,
Miss Super-Good-At-Procrastinating
altairtherook: (Default)
 Hi y'all nonexistent peoples who just stop by to read my blog.

I wonder if I should switch over to WordPress.com since their layout is so nice... And it's mostly user-friendly, except for the annoying, constant, "switch over to premium" reminders. But otherwise it's more beautiful. And dreamwidth is nice, but it seems more geared towards communities, which I barely use. LOL.

For now, I'm sticking here, until I can find some legitimate reason to switch. I mean, geez! I already have a (dead) blogspot, a cross-posting livejournal, not to mention two tumblrs (one inspiration/derp and one art blog). Yeah, when I look back at my blog list it's kind of depressing to see how spontaneous I am. The WordPress is up, but nothing's probably going to appear on it for a while, so you can relax. When I do finally decide to post on it though, you nonexistent peoples will find out first.

So life...
It's been great though I'm worrying about my grades tomorrow. I really hope they're above 90, but y'know, I'm such an overachieving slacker, so I probably won't do as good as I hope.

Yeah, I've actually been trying hard at Calculus, but this new series test thing is too mind-boggling for me. Or rather I understand it, but there's too many tests I have no idea which one to use. And no calculator?! My reliance on that thing is just way to heavy, isn't it?

I need to get my mother's day present framed this weekend! Who knows when I'll have another chance? I also need to finish my commission (which I've been terribly procrastinating on, please kill me) before the start of May. As well as that yearly Senior Skit at my church - that needs to be planned ASAP.

Yet I find myself drooling over animes and mangas without a second thought. And today I spent a lot of my time just tweaking my tumblr themes. But that's ok, right? I usually don't change them for months...

I'm so busy~ Probably need to go to sleep before my retinas melt into puddles of wax. I've been staring at the computer screen for 60% of my time this past week.
altairtherook: (Default)
我真的很累。
为什么学校很难?
我没有时间画画。为什么?
不要爱世界和世界上的事;人若爱世界, 爱父的心就不在他里面了。(约壹 2:15)
I'm so proud that I can read the above verse without any help. Really. Hopefully I can learn more and more

Watching the light on the dash
Warning that we're gonna crash
   - One More Crash by Faded Paper Figures
I feel so overwhelmed by school and extracurricular activities. It's been so bad that I hardly have time to draw, not even to work on commissions! I've apologized deeply on my deviantart, but the art's not going to get done until my schoolwork dwindles down. Hopefully, I can achieve things.

I have two take home tests, one difficult calculus packet of worksheets, five chapters of Bless Me, Ultima to read and annotate for a quiz on Tuesday, a Chemistry test on Monday, an advertisement for newspaper to sell, orchestra to rehearse for, a Valentine's Day party to plan for (food, decorations, and background music), an annual skit to prepare fore, a dumpling party to plan (as well as create the invitations), community service hours to complete, a document analysis paper for AP World History as well as reading chapter 21, finding a suitable song for church offertory, and practicing the piano part for my friend's violin solo.

At least I had my solo/ensemble today; don't have to worry about that anymore.

And this is only my sophomore year? Isn't this supposed to be one of the better years of high school? I might as well shoot myself in the head before I can draw anything seriously. I haven't been able to practice much with my new-ish tablet. My calculus and newspaper (missing the advertisement grade) grades aren't helping either. And I also have to plan for my junior year classes. My teachers think that students are delinquents with nothing to do, therefore they assign so much.

No time for myself, so I make some. Sleep deprived, I drag myself through school. Because I try to read my manga or watch my anime or scroll through tumblr so my life isn't monotone homework schoolwork practice plan. I think I'm just going to crash one day. I shouldn't even be typing this out since it's almost midnight, but I have to express my feelings somewhere.

Good night.
altairtherook: (Kurokichi Kagenui)
 I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A giant weight.

I am taking an online P.E. class (online P.E.! How could such a thing exist?!) and you know, knowing me...
I'm a big procrastinator.

The deadline to finish the course is January 15th.

So this week was my last week to finish it, but I hadn't taken the final exam yet.
There was this whole fuss about how to take the final exam and who was my proctor and where did I take it and how did I request one and a lot of miscommunication and non-communication occurred during that time.

And it boiled down to this:
The day was Wednesday, January 11 and I had requested (properly this time) a final exam and also emailed my proctor. But the next day, my proctor never emailed me back. I was so worried, I could hardly concentrate on anything else. (Luckily, I had almost no homework.) So today I went to go see her.

She asked me, "Do you know what day it is?"
"Yeah, it's the twelfth."
"Do you know when your course expires?"
"Yeeaaahhhh."
"Well, get your next period teacher to write you a pass because I can only administer the course to you next period, since you screwed up BIG TIME."

So I meekly did as I was told, agree with her completely because I was a total screw-up and messed-up procrastinator that $50 (extension fee) was on the line.

I took it and I passed, thank God. No, seriously, I thanked God because I prayed to him. I told him how stupid I was and how worried I was and how much I screwed up. I just asked that he would take away that stress.

And he did. Thank you, God.
altairtherook: (insanity)
I think I am going insane.
Should be studying for my six weeks test for Calculus tomorrow, which if I ace, will bring my grades up by a league. If not, I will be on the brink of failing the course! Darned this grading period! We usually have 6 weeks, but this period is pretty much 4, since they counted the two days of school during Thanksgiving week as well as the two days of finals next week! Are they crazy?! That's probably why my English grades have been slipping too. But I also blame it on NaNoWriMo.

And my Secret Santas! Gawd! Both are due Friday and I have yet to finalize them! A contest entry is due tomorrow, which is the same day of my orthodontist appointment and the day I'm supposed to organize the FallenSyndicate Secret Santa! What a crazy week this is! Someone save me!

And how the heck am I supposed to get presents for my friends too? All this season has been spending spending spending! I shouldn't have participated in all those gift-giving stuffs. They empty out the meager coins in my purse!

And don't get me started on the events next week! Sheesh! Outings, outings, outings! Though I am looking forward to next Friday's videogame/pancake party. Golly, that'll be enjoyable! That is, if I can get through all my finals first!
altairtherook: (Miyavi - 2)
 You would think that after a hectic month like NaNoWriMo, I'd be so much more free.

Wrong.

I'm swamped with secret santas, gifts, contests, grades, and extracurricular activities. Sheesh, save me from this life!
altairtherook: (insanity)
A song (but I say it's a poem) that I had to write in Chinese class. It's cheesy, because I don't know any other words in Chinese. Wait, cross that. I'm not supposed to be using any other words in Chinese. Sheesh, I wish they would give us a bit more freedom, but it's ok.
 
你的心
真的
你离开
你快点回来

是我的朋友

How cheesy.

altairtherook: (Kaoru Nagumo)
My days are strange.

Yesterday I was having the best day in school. English was relatively easy, orchestra was fine (though we had a test), and I got to watch Gintama all 3rd period. And to top it off, my newspaper teacher ordered Cici's pizza for all of us. I never knew such a day at school could exist. My only problem was that my left foot's tendons kept cracking. More crack than pop.
When my feet get cold, they tend to stiffen and occasionally, they pop. But yesterday was extremely painful, especially when walking. I tried to pop out the cricks, hoping they would go away like they usually do but it didn't work. My foot was in pain the whole day. A blow to my otherwise delightful day. What sucked was before I was about to go to sleep, my foot stopped cracking and became itchy instead.

Today was a relatively sucky day at school: failed a quiz, had a fire drill, boring subjects in chemistry, substitute in AP World History. Yet however, I had no homework so I could do more at home, but somehow, it doesn't feel as fun as it was yesterday.

I don't know, these two days seem so similar yet so different. As I ramble on.




In other news, here's my plan to get things I want:
  1. Pay off debt to my parents (I need $40)
  2. Buy a tablet with remaining savings
  3. More commissions
  4. Save enough for a PSP + Hakuouki!
  5. More commissions
  6. Enough to buy current volumes of Pandora Hearts and Durarara!! (Coming out January 2012)
[Note: 4 and 6 are swappable]

Ah, I'm hopeless. This plan will take forever. I haven't had a commission since spring. I think I'll be more initiative...



In other other news, I'm selling AX: Alternative Manga. It's in relatively good condition and I'm willing to part with it for $25, shipping price included. Check out the link for more info.

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