altairtherook: (Default)
2013-10-24 09:55 pm
Entry tags:

Days are long and days are fleeting

It's scary when the parents argue.
They don't usually do.
But it's still
altairtherook: (Default)
2013-02-18 09:01 pm
Entry tags:

Depressing angsty posts will never seem to end

I continue to feel angsty and distressed and all sorts of wrong. And I understand that 100% of it is pretty much my fault, indirectly or directly.

Even though there are barely any readers of my blog (and I am sorry if you are scrolling through my posts saturated with self-pity) I won't elaborate too much on what I'm feeling. It's probably best if I confide in a being, not in an electronic echo that blends into the grungy walls of the internet.

I'm going to try to cheer myself up, not by my usual way (procrastination, which is basically just distracting myself from my problems) but by setting up a plan.

Damn, America has trained me to be so reliant on self-gratification that I can't even function when I hit the first sign of pain.

Obviously I'm spread too thin so things need to be cut.
  1. Twitter, limited to one tweet a day. Honestly, I have no use for this. My main purpose on it is to get updates from important groups but by having a Tweeria account I spam a lot about myself, which makes me more narcissistic and is not a good way to live. Even if Tweeria is the laziest way to role-play, tweet-spam only says that I'm egotistical. Replies probably won't count in the limit, since they're conversations, right? Maybe I should cut on those too.
  2. Tumblr. One of the best and worst things of my life. I constantly fret over the memes and inspiration that will float away out of my grasp if I don't check it regularly. And I freak out if my queue starts hitting around 10 posts and I scour my dashboard for things to add to my queue. Let's limit it to only 30 minutes a day. This will be the hardest goal to keep.
  3. Youtube. I've become obsessed with watching a certain user play horror or indie games and I just can't stop! It's gotten so bad that I even procrastinate watching anime, which is my primary procrastination method! Limit to 1 video per day.
  4. Anime. I'm so behind on almost everything. But I have to limit to 1 anime per day. (Manga is not a problem because it updates sporadically.)
And things I need to trudge through!
  1. Homework. Always procrastinated. NEVERMORE.
  2. SAT study. I hate this because I feel like I will barely improve, because everything mentioned in the practice book I know! The best way to study would probably be taking practice tests but I don't want to spend four hours on it! Perhaps I'll do one section per day.
  3. AP U.S. History. I despise reading the chapters in preparation for the test. History is my worst subject, after writing.
  4. Writing. I just need to write more. Essays, particularly. Regain some vocab by reading more novels, less manga. Even writing short fiction should help but /sighs/
  5. AP tests. Goodness gracious I can't even begin on how much stress there is over these.
  6. SLEEP. My eyelids have been stained permanently grey. I sleep in the last class of the day almost every time.
Some other plans!
  • Scholarship applications - fill out one per two days, I suppose. Those essays will probably boost my writing skills.
  • Job applications - I already signed up for a summer camp but there's no guarantee I'll get in. I need some moolah too, for spending.
  • College applications - I can feel my death impending.
Phew, this lifted some stress. I wish I could control myself better. Become more studious. Less NEET. The NEET life is only achievable if I'm rich. Which I'm not. And if I let myself be degraded. Which I shouldn't. Gotta pull myself together.

altairtherook: (Default)
2013-02-12 09:59 pm

(no subject)

I can't handle this anymore.

I am so alone.

I was told that what I worked for was useless.

I can't.
altairtherook: (Default)
2013-02-12 08:07 pm
Entry tags:

I am throuoghly depressed

Not only is school beating down on me but my parents are pushing me to study harder, almost to the point of continuous nagging from the moment I come home from school to the time I go to sleep, not to mention when I fix breakfast early in the morning before I catch the bus. It's driving me crazy.


SATs, AP tests, scholarship essays, job applications, summer camp applications, college applications, violin practice.

Are you nuts? Not only do I have to keep up my grades in AP level courses but I have to have all these things prepared for by this month? I don't understand why I have to be near perfect. With all these items on my plate, there's no room for a proper life. I can't doodle in my spare time, much less finish those episodes of anime/drama or play my video games.

Are you expecting me to be everything my brother was not? A science-pursuing A-plus student? Someone whose future job holds much money? Someone who won't nearly disappear from your life? Someone who's not dependent on you? I am none of those.

I am only a little above average and maybe more if I work my butt off. But already I am threadbare: five hours of sleep is now the norm, and I can barely squeeze in community service.

It's a terrible cycle, because the more stressed I feel, the more I am compelled to distract myself with media. Procrastination is toxic, but I can't let go of it. Because I know if I do, I'm letting go of the items I love the most, and won't get them back for another few months, years. My spirit is already weak. Let me cling onto what little of me remains.

What also stings a bit is that my friends can sympathize some, but they have their own unique situations and those barriers are impenetrable. My circle of friends has shrunk to only a few and I am despairing more and more each day.

Today one of those friends barely talked to me, as if she were mad at me. I didn't know how to respond, so we just sat together in silence, but I felt very alone. It hurt very much, I just wanted to bawl, but I looked away and pretended that I was busy reading an SAT book.

I'm just tired.
I need someone's open arms.

I need rest. At least one peaceful day.

Dear Lord, please help me find rest for my weary soul.
altairtherook: (Default)
2013-01-03 10:13 pm
Entry tags:

New happies

I had resolved at the end of 2012 to not make any unnecessary resolutions. I was comfortable with my life. Why change a thing?

Well, my mother pushed me to change. Begrudgingly, I complied in outlining some goals but just looking at them makes me depressed because I know that to fulfill them, I have to give up a lot of things I love.

It's not completely a bad thing, hearsay, since I know with all my being that complacency will lead me nowhere. It's true, yes? When you're just satisfied with the everyday goodness of your life, you're not going to actively pursue that potential greatness that you could be.

For me, I read a lot of manga, anime, and light novels, regular novels, play video games and watch movies. I'm a media maniac and devour stories like a ravenous beast. Which is why it's so easy for me to say, "Come on, what a boring character! Why can't they just strive to be the very best?" or "If you stay like that, nothing good's going to happen and there won't be a good story at all." And little ramblings like that.

When in reality, I'm exactly like that boring character that won't do a thing. I'm all talk but little action. A repeat offender of procrastination. Which is bad. Because I'm also concerned with appearances, because at least I want to be a decent person, and a brilliant multimedia-ist, in which I have too many interests that take too much time, it's overwhelming. But that's a different matter for now.

Anyways, that's why I have some difficult goals this year which requires that the relaxed life I drifted through must go. I have to part from my procrastination (mainly tumblr, damn you) in order to complete the tasks which really matter. But that means letting go of a few stray dreams, like drawing and writing, at least for now.

School is now my priority. Grades matter. Also, there's so many AP tests to study for, I don't even want to get started. Not to mention projects and SAT and ACT and all that jazz. I'm already feeling slightly suicidal writing about it.

It's hard, because a lot of this I'm doing because of parental expectations. I just want to follow my dreams. And I know one day I will. It's just that ... sometimes you have to have a little discipline before you can fly.
altairtherook: (Default)
2012-08-12 05:17 pm
Entry tags:

Shut down, shut in, boot up, boot out


Finally my computer is fixed! One day I left it to sleep and it wouldn't wake again. Not even a force shut-down by holding the power button would work. So I just unplugged it, replugged it, and to my horror, found that the computer wouldn't turn on at all.

Turns out it was the power supply, which was replaced. It's much noisier than the original, but I'm not complaining. The only thing I'd love to complain about is my modem/internet th, which has suddenly decided that my computer no longer deserves a decent connection.

Ah, well, a three-day break from the computer is probably needed, since I've got to finish my homework. At least it gave me a chance to catch some two-hour naps and doodle a little bit.
altairtherook: (Default)
2012-07-30 06:25 pm

(no subject)

Hah~ I like how I just about never update on here anymore.
Actually I don't.

One of my friends was willing to adopt four of my guppies, since I had to make room for at least nine two-week old baby fry. I decided to give them to her on Sunday, when we would see each other at church. But they died before they could reach her hands.

I feel so bad, because it was my neglect that killed them. I failed to stop my father who naively used tap water (treated) to contain the fish instead of aquarium water. Apparently the new water was too much of a shock and all four of them died.

Guilt guilt guilt.

Even if it is just four small fish, I just feel awful that I killed something. Even if I blame it on my father, it's still my fault.


But I guess I have to ignore it, since there's nothing else to be done.

This week I'm helping out at my church's children's art camp. Man, it's exhausting, and some of the kids are vehemently vexing. But most of them are just fine.

Also on Wednesday, I'll be completing driver's ed with the final lesson: the infamous parallel parking. Honestly, I'm tired of driving school, especially since I've had to endure watching at least three other drivers complete the fourth lesson (country driving) on the same road.

I've also been watching Natsuyuki Rendezvous, a josei anime about a love triangle between a florist, a man, and the florist's dead husband, who is currently in ghost form. Unfortunately, only the man can see the ghost, causing some very interesting reactions. The concept is very entrancing, the characters and cast are excellent, and the music portions are emotion-inducing. Because it's in the josei genre, the feel is definitely very different and I can't feel any stereotypical vibes anywhere. The characters are very lifelike in personality and all likable. Just one thing though; I feel like the story is escalating so fast, despite the fact that it's actually calm and undramatic! Wait, it is kind of dramatic? I can't really tell anyways, because it feels like both. Ah, but it is a strange love triangle and I'm curious about it's ending. However, I'll probably finish the anime before I pick up the manga.

I love short hair this summer.
Oh, and if I'm not on the computer it's nearly almost always because I'm playing minesweeper (such a useless game) on my Kindle or watching gymnastics or swimming for the 2012 London Olympics. I'm so lazy.

altairtherook: (Default)
2012-05-03 10:15 pm


I'm so excited for tomorrow! It's my orchestra banquet and I'm going out to buy a vest (and maybe slacks and shoes).

Yeah baby! I refuse to wear a dress! I just like confusing people!
altairtherook: (Default)
2012-04-22 08:53 pm
Entry tags:


Luckily my grades are all okay. Of course there's room for improvement but at least I met my own expectations.

Today I shot some traditional black and white photos for my class. Our project is a sequence, meaning we have to take a series of pictures and arrange them on a mat, telling a story.

I like the idea very much, though it wasn't mine, since this weekend my brainstorming capabilities have been hindered because of studying for upcoming tests tomorrow (and the rest of the week! Oh standardized tests are so dull!) so I asked my brother to help me since he was home this weekend. Not telling yet, but I'll post it here when I've finished printing them.

I really want to print them.

Miss Super-Good-At-Procrastinating
altairtherook: (Default)
2012-04-19 10:00 pm

Nonexistent peoples alert

 Hi y'all nonexistent peoples who just stop by to read my blog.

I wonder if I should switch over to since their layout is so nice... And it's mostly user-friendly, except for the annoying, constant, "switch over to premium" reminders. But otherwise it's more beautiful. And dreamwidth is nice, but it seems more geared towards communities, which I barely use. LOL.

For now, I'm sticking here, until I can find some legitimate reason to switch. I mean, geez! I already have a (dead) blogspot, a cross-posting livejournal, not to mention two tumblrs (one inspiration/derp and one art blog). Yeah, when I look back at my blog list it's kind of depressing to see how spontaneous I am. The WordPress is up, but nothing's probably going to appear on it for a while, so you can relax. When I do finally decide to post on it though, you nonexistent peoples will find out first.

So life...
It's been great though I'm worrying about my grades tomorrow. I really hope they're above 90, but y'know, I'm such an overachieving slacker, so I probably won't do as good as I hope.

Yeah, I've actually been trying hard at Calculus, but this new series test thing is too mind-boggling for me. Or rather I understand it, but there's too many tests I have no idea which one to use. And no calculator?! My reliance on that thing is just way to heavy, isn't it?

I need to get my mother's day present framed this weekend! Who knows when I'll have another chance? I also need to finish my commission (which I've been terribly procrastinating on, please kill me) before the start of May. As well as that yearly Senior Skit at my church - that needs to be planned ASAP.

Yet I find myself drooling over animes and mangas without a second thought. And today I spent a lot of my time just tweaking my tumblr themes. But that's ok, right? I usually don't change them for months...

I'm so busy~ Probably need to go to sleep before my retinas melt into puddles of wax. I've been staring at the computer screen for 60% of my time this past week.
altairtherook: (Scuro)
2012-02-15 08:49 pm
Entry tags:


Today I got my polio vaccination, and my arm is quite okay, except for that soreness whenever I move. It's not very painful. In fact, I probably enjoy the pain.

I'm not saying I'm a hardcore masochist; not at all. I would very much not like to be harmed if at all possible.
However, the little reminder of the sense of touch is something that I love. And pain is a way to prove that you are still alive, and not just randomly pinching your numb epidermis in your dreams.

It's that little discomfort that keeps me awake.

Honestly, as much as I'd prefer to be more on the sadist side, I definitely belong to the masochist side. Too much sympathy, perhaps. I cannot enjoy hurting others really, unless if the person happens to be one of my siblings. If it's them, I know they will forgive me quickly. I'm probably the most 'bullied' out of the bunch of us! Even my little sister berates me.

I seem to subconsciously enjoy myself as I put on too much pressure upon myself, such as that time in November. Remember NaNoWriMo? That was absolutely suicidal. Pile 1,667 words on per day plus homework and orchestra and artistic duties, not to mention my church activities and parents' expectations, I was living in a world of chaos and unrelenting stress! Why did I even accept the challenge in the first place?! However, I'm glad I survived and did manage to write a terrible half-done novel, which by the way, the plot isn't even halfway through yet. And I still haven't touched it since December 1st.

And now I'm also in that same situation: tests tomorrow, commissions to do, things to practice for.


However, I do not enjoy emotional pain at all. It's more than I can handle. Sure I can fake a smile or stoic stare, but it's terrible!

*I'm not a masochist! I just lean towards that side more than most people.
altairtherook: (Default)
2012-02-06 11:39 pm
Entry tags:


Thank God I can finally touch my tablet after a month. *sobs*
But I still have much work to do, and cannot procrastinate any longer. Good night!
altairtherook: (Default)
2012-02-04 11:35 pm


不要爱世界和世界上的事;人若爱世界, 爱父的心就不在他里面了。(约壹 2:15)
I'm so proud that I can read the above verse without any help. Really. Hopefully I can learn more and more

Watching the light on the dash
Warning that we're gonna crash
   - One More Crash by Faded Paper Figures
I feel so overwhelmed by school and extracurricular activities. It's been so bad that I hardly have time to draw, not even to work on commissions! I've apologized deeply on my deviantart, but the art's not going to get done until my schoolwork dwindles down. Hopefully, I can achieve things.

I have two take home tests, one difficult calculus packet of worksheets, five chapters of Bless Me, Ultima to read and annotate for a quiz on Tuesday, a Chemistry test on Monday, an advertisement for newspaper to sell, orchestra to rehearse for, a Valentine's Day party to plan for (food, decorations, and background music), an annual skit to prepare fore, a dumpling party to plan (as well as create the invitations), community service hours to complete, a document analysis paper for AP World History as well as reading chapter 21, finding a suitable song for church offertory, and practicing the piano part for my friend's violin solo.

At least I had my solo/ensemble today; don't have to worry about that anymore.

And this is only my sophomore year? Isn't this supposed to be one of the better years of high school? I might as well shoot myself in the head before I can draw anything seriously. I haven't been able to practice much with my new-ish tablet. My calculus and newspaper (missing the advertisement grade) grades aren't helping either. And I also have to plan for my junior year classes. My teachers think that students are delinquents with nothing to do, therefore they assign so much.

No time for myself, so I make some. Sleep deprived, I drag myself through school. Because I try to read my manga or watch my anime or scroll through tumblr so my life isn't monotone homework schoolwork practice plan. I think I'm just going to crash one day. I shouldn't even be typing this out since it's almost midnight, but I have to express my feelings somewhere.

Good night.
altairtherook: (Default)
2012-01-19 10:39 pm

Nightly Duties

I am sorting out dirty laundry before I study a bit more then go to sleep.

My sister's socks are covered in dirt, sweat, and hair. So much hair. Like where does it all come from? This is a small ankle sock, not some fabulous hair garment. Like HOW DOES IT GET ALL HAIRY?
altairtherook: (Kurokichi Kagenui)
2012-01-13 03:46 pm
Entry tags:

Cup of OJ

 I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A giant weight.

I am taking an online P.E. class (online P.E.! How could such a thing exist?!) and you know, knowing me...
I'm a big procrastinator.

The deadline to finish the course is January 15th.

So this week was my last week to finish it, but I hadn't taken the final exam yet.
There was this whole fuss about how to take the final exam and who was my proctor and where did I take it and how did I request one and a lot of miscommunication and non-communication occurred during that time.

And it boiled down to this:
The day was Wednesday, January 11 and I had requested (properly this time) a final exam and also emailed my proctor. But the next day, my proctor never emailed me back. I was so worried, I could hardly concentrate on anything else. (Luckily, I had almost no homework.) So today I went to go see her.

She asked me, "Do you know what day it is?"
"Yeah, it's the twelfth."
"Do you know when your course expires?"
"Well, get your next period teacher to write you a pass because I can only administer the course to you next period, since you screwed up BIG TIME."

So I meekly did as I was told, agree with her completely because I was a total screw-up and messed-up procrastinator that $50 (extension fee) was on the line.

I took it and I passed, thank God. No, seriously, I thanked God because I prayed to him. I told him how stupid I was and how worried I was and how much I screwed up. I just asked that he would take away that stress.

And he did. Thank you, God.
altairtherook: (Default)
2012-01-03 09:25 pm
Entry tags:

我在学喜我的中文!对不起, 我的中文很差!











altairtherook: (Scuro)
2011-12-25 02:58 pm

Moldy Christmas! You want to feel nice and fuzzy inside, right?

 Merry Christmas everyone!
I'm kind of tired of this saying already, but there's nothing like a bit of Christmas cheer to keep you fuzzy inside. Right? Right?

This year, I was really hoping for a PSP but instead I got a Kindle. Somewhat disappointing, but I understand my parent's point of view. But with the Kindle, I can finally read those pdfs without going on the computer! And it can also experimentally browse the web. Mwahahaha!

Also got lotion, scarves, a plush hamster, socks, 2 red copics, more lotion, lotion + body glitter (not that I'd use that very often), a coat with fur trim (thinking Izaya, anyone?), Amulet vol. 3, a framed picture of me predicting the future even though at that moment I was just being a troll, body spray, and shower gel. Also the traditional box of shared family chocolates.

And later we get to eat ramen!
And perhaps watch more Bakemonogatari. Even though I already watched it before.

Oooh, and I need to finish up commissions too! Ai-ya!

But what's been great about this whole break is no homework! I actually couldn't believe it, so I went through my agenda and my notebooks to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
altairtherook: (insanity)
2011-12-14 06:00 pm
Entry tags:

Where insanity leads

I think I am going insane.
Should be studying for my six weeks test for Calculus tomorrow, which if I ace, will bring my grades up by a league. If not, I will be on the brink of failing the course! Darned this grading period! We usually have 6 weeks, but this period is pretty much 4, since they counted the two days of school during Thanksgiving week as well as the two days of finals next week! Are they crazy?! That's probably why my English grades have been slipping too. But I also blame it on NaNoWriMo.

And my Secret Santas! Gawd! Both are due Friday and I have yet to finalize them! A contest entry is due tomorrow, which is the same day of my orthodontist appointment and the day I'm supposed to organize the FallenSyndicate Secret Santa! What a crazy week this is! Someone save me!

And how the heck am I supposed to get presents for my friends too? All this season has been spending spending spending! I shouldn't have participated in all those gift-giving stuffs. They empty out the meager coins in my purse!

And don't get me started on the events next week! Sheesh! Outings, outings, outings! Though I am looking forward to next Friday's videogame/pancake party. Golly, that'll be enjoyable! That is, if I can get through all my finals first!
altairtherook: (Miyavi - 2)
2011-12-08 08:11 pm
Entry tags:

December Doom

 You would think that after a hectic month like NaNoWriMo, I'd be so much more free.


I'm swamped with secret santas, gifts, contests, grades, and extracurricular activities. Sheesh, save me from this life!
altairtherook: (Miyavi - 2)
2011-11-30 09:23 pm
Entry tags:


(but not really, since the plot isn't even half over yet. I didn't even get to leave it at the cliffhanger I wanted to put it at. Sigh, I'll just have to wait. It has to do with Minorei though... I'm a bad mother, abusing my characters. But that is what makes the story interesting...)

I would donate but I'm broke. So broke. ;n; Need more commissions.