12 February 2013

altairtherook: (Default)
Not only is school beating down on me but my parents are pushing me to study harder, almost to the point of continuous nagging from the moment I come home from school to the time I go to sleep, not to mention when I fix breakfast early in the morning before I catch the bus. It's driving me crazy.

INSANE.

SATs, AP tests, scholarship essays, job applications, summer camp applications, college applications, violin practice.

Are you nuts? Not only do I have to keep up my grades in AP level courses but I have to have all these things prepared for by this month? I don't understand why I have to be near perfect. With all these items on my plate, there's no room for a proper life. I can't doodle in my spare time, much less finish those episodes of anime/drama or play my video games.

Are you expecting me to be everything my brother was not? A science-pursuing A-plus student? Someone whose future job holds much money? Someone who won't nearly disappear from your life? Someone who's not dependent on you? I am none of those.

I am only a little above average and maybe more if I work my butt off. But already I am threadbare: five hours of sleep is now the norm, and I can barely squeeze in community service.

It's a terrible cycle, because the more stressed I feel, the more I am compelled to distract myself with media. Procrastination is toxic, but I can't let go of it. Because I know if I do, I'm letting go of the items I love the most, and won't get them back for another few months, years. My spirit is already weak. Let me cling onto what little of me remains.

What also stings a bit is that my friends can sympathize some, but they have their own unique situations and those barriers are impenetrable. My circle of friends has shrunk to only a few and I am despairing more and more each day.

Today one of those friends barely talked to me, as if she were mad at me. I didn't know how to respond, so we just sat together in silence, but I felt very alone. It hurt very much, I just wanted to bawl, but I looked away and pretended that I was busy reading an SAT book.

I'm just tired.
I need someone's open arms.

I need rest. At least one peaceful day.

Dear Lord, please help me find rest for my weary soul.
altairtherook: (Default)
I can't handle this anymore.

I am so alone.

I was told that what I worked for was useless.

I can't.

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altairtherook

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